A Night Away
A Night Away
There is a real need, as a couple, to occasionally leave the children at home and take off for a few days by yourselves. The obstacle to this, of course, is the fact that you will need to get someone to watch your kids for the weekend. (We always debate this point for a while because TECHNICALLY, if we set out food and water and locked the doors, the kids would make out just fine.) Nevertheless, you need to find someone who will watch your children for at least forty-eight hours and know what they're doing so that your wife can enjoy herself. (YOU will have FORGOTTEN about the kids the minute the van leaves the driveway.)
It is important to have a mental list of people that are potential prospects. To make up that list, think of people who owe you big favours, people for whom you've done something important, like donated a kidney; given an alibi or married their daughter. The obvious choice, then, is your wife's parents. Now, you may think that because they are the GRANDPARENTS and because they basically COERCED you into having kids by whining and complaining until it happened, that they would be more than happy to take care of the little tikes for you. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, if you ask them and they agree to it immediately, they are trying to make up for some terrible event in your wife's childhood for which they feel responsible or they simply want to go through your stuff when you're not there. Either way, you have good reason to be paranoid.
Assuming your parents are NORMAL, then, you must think of a way to motivate them to watch your children. REMEMBER, unless you are an only child, all of your other siblings will be hitting them up too. Be creative. Be unique. Be ruthless. I suggest something along the lines of the 'Mom To The Rescue' technique. It goes like this:
You:"(YAWN) I am so tired!"
Your Mother-In-Law:"Well, why don't you get some sleep?"(Duh)
You:"Hah! Right! Not with my life."
Your Mother-In-Law:"Oh, come on. It can't be that bad."
You:"We haven't slept for a full night in seventeen months. I'm up early to go to work to provide for my family. I work late to prepare for the next day. I just can't go on!"
Your Mother-In-Law:"What you need is a little holiday. Take a break for a few days."
You:"It would never happen. We just can't afford to take the whole family on vacation."
Your Mother-In-Law:"Well, don't take the kids. I'm sure we could watch them."
You:"Great! I'll drop them off at seven!"
Now you have to remember that your wife is going to play a joke on you at some point here. "Honey," she'll say, "why don't you drop the kids off at Mom's and by the time you get back, I'll be finished 'getting ready'." You, being the master of efficiency that you are, kick yourself for not thinking of that one first. Then you load up the kids and off you go. The joke kicks in when you start unloading their luggage.
Your Mother-In-Law:"Do they have sunscreen on?"
You:"I don't know."
Your Mother-In-Law:"Did you pack their hats?"
You:"I don't know."
Your Mother-In-Law:"Where are their Health Cards?"
You:"I'm pretty sure they won't need them. I think they're in the luggage, though."
Your Mother-In-Law:" What about any medication they may be on. And their rain gear. And photo I.D.?"
You:"Yep. It's all...in...there."
Mother-In-Law:"I don't know what she sees in you."
And when you arrive back at your house, you find your wife, still rolling around on the floor laughing.
Now it is time to leave and start Enjoying Yourselves. Your wife will try to pretend that she will miss the kids by saying things like,"I miss them already" or "I hope they'll be okay until we get back." Don't be fooled. She is looking forward to this trip every bit as much as you are. Would a grieving mother be painting her toenails on the dash as you careen down the highway? I think not.
The last and most important step of this whole process is called The Phone Call Home. It is paramount that you reinforce the fact that you are good, caring parents by calling your In-laws from wherever you are the next morning and, with all the sincerity you can muster, asking them How Things Went.
You (with a broad smile):"So, how did it go?"
Your Mother-In-Law:"(YAWN) Not bad at all."
You:"You sound a little tired."
Your Mother-In-Law:"Well, neither kid went to bed PERFECTLY. In fact, we didn't make it to bed ourselves until midnight."
You:"Midnight? (snicker!)"
Your Mother-In-Law:"Yes.(YAWN) And then we were up at five."
You:"(hee hee) Up at five, eh? That's really unusual. (giggle)"
Your Mother-In-Law:"That's not counting getting up at three to change the sheets."
You:"Oh. (heh!) We forgot to tell you to take them to the bathroom before you (hah!)go to bed.(snork!)"
Your Mother-In-Law:"So we ended up sleeping on the floor while the kids slept in OUR bed."
Your Wife:"Hi, Mom? It's me. Yeah. Mark's having some sort of seizure right now. Oh, he'll be okay. Nothing that a few days away won't cure."
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