There was a time when people believed that Head Colds were caused by moving from a warm place to a cold place or by moving from a cold place to a warm place. After years of extensive research, however, we now know that most Head Colds are caused by toads or large slugs taking up residence in your sinus cavity. This will never happen when you have time for it. These creatures are intelligent enough to know that the best time to climb in is when you are busy at work AND at home and have no time to root them out with the traditional tool of choice, the coat hanger.
There are several stages to the Head Cold. We will review them here for the benefit of everyone living with someone who is currently afflicted.
STAGE ONE – The Apathetic Stage: This is the most tragic stage of all because, with a good night’s rest and some proper care, the whole problem could have been avoided. Yes, that first sniffle should be warning enough for any rational adult to eat a well-balanced meal and go straight to bed. Give your body the rest it deserves! Of course, this probably worked in my grandmother’s day when they had all the time in the world, but not today. WE’VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO, MAN!
This leads us, inevitably, to…
STAGE TWO - The Nesting: Once you’ve decided that you don’t have time to take care of yourself, your body sets out to teach you a lesson. It not only invites the toad into your nasal cavity, it also allows the toad to build a nest in your brain. You will notice this when you attempt to get up in the morning and your head feels like it is full of cotton. Or mud.
At this point you still have a fighting chance. However, you remember that your project is due next week and decide to go to work instead of sleeping.
“Might as well go to work,” you say to yourself. “I’m sure my co-workers will be glad to see me, even though I’m highly contagious.”
STAGE THREE – The stage where everybody hates you and nobody cares how bloody sick you are. They still expect you to work even though it’s painfully obvious that you are almost dead.
You will notice as you work that there is a definite LACK of appreciation for the SUPREME SACRIFICE you are making by coming in to the office. In fact, it may seem that people are actually avoiding you on purpose.
No problem. A few well-placed licks on the old office water cooler nozzle will probably help EVERYONE be a little more sympathetic. As Stephen Covey says in his famous “Seven Habits of Highly Contagious People”:
Habit #1 – Understand the problem from the other person’s point of view. If you don’t, he may give you a first-hand look at what his point of view really is.
STAGE FOUR – The Shining: Everything in this stage is pretty close to normal except for the fact that your head aches because it now weighs 46 pounds; your eyes run like a river and whatever it is that is living in your nose must now be pregnant and expecting triplets. This is the stage where you bombard your body with things that were outlawed after the First World War, including Fisherman’s Friends and Buckley’s Mixture.
During this stage, your casual friends will say comforting things such as, “Are you sick?”
Your good friends will avoid you altogether.
STAGE FIVE – The Bursting Dam: It’s simple physics. What goes up must come down. What goes in must come out. Forget facial tissues. Buy a handkerchief. Or a wet\dry vac.
STAGE SIX – The Final Stage: The worst is definitely over. You are down to a simple case of the sniffles. With a good night’s rest you will finally be better. Of course, who’s got time for rest? Start over at Stage One.
Mark Thrice is the author of “Halfway to Crazy,” now available at fine bookstores everywhere or at www.markthrice.com.