Newborn Baby
The birth of your child is a wonderful event, full of wonder. Don't be fooled, however, into thinking that it's all milk and honey from that point on. (Although there does seem to be an overabundance of milk)(Coming from your honey)(HO!). Quite the opposite, there are a few things that you will need to be continually working on together with both your child and spouse as the days go by.
#1 CLEARING THE AIR
Getting the baby to eat is not usually a problem. To ensure that the child in question eats as much as he can though, you must help him by making sure that his entire digestive system is absolutely clear of anything at all. The way to do this is to develop an abnormal fixation with burping and farting. And when I say 'abnormal', I mean that you will find yourself congratulating your baby and each other for every noise that escapes his cheeks. Discontinue this practice before the child reaches puberty.
You want to make sure that at several points during his meal and immediately afterwards you quickly grab him, suspend him in various positions over your body and whack him vigorously. (This is one of those jobs where husbands can feel VERY useful). Almost any position is suitable for this, although there are a few traditional ones which work quite well:
OVER THE SHOULDER-Place the baby so that his tummy is on your chest and his head is on your shoulder. Lightly thump his bottom and lower back until he belches. Remember that when it was INSIDE, the gas was beneath a bellyful of milk. Since the gas is out, most likely the milk is too. Have someone else clean up the mess.
Other popular burping positions include SITTING UP ON YOUR LAP (for puking on your crotch) and LAYING ACROSS YOUR LAP (for puking on the guy beside you).
When the baby is exceptionally gassy, you may want to coax it out the other end. To accomplish this, lay the baby on his back and fold his legs up to his chest. If that yields no results, have your husband encourage him by giving a personal demonstration.
#2 SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT
Nothing can match the blissful slumber that you achieve when, for the first time in his life, your infant sleeps through the night. Oh the rapture! Oh the tranquility! You wake up totally refreshed and relaxed with a whole new outlook on life.
This lasts for about twelve seconds. Then you realize that YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING FROM YOUR BABY ALL NIGHT and run, screaming, into the Nursery to make sure that he's okay, waking him up in the process.
However, this feeling of terror pales in comparison to what your wife is going through at the same time. She also has just realized that the baby has slept the whole night through and that the milk her body had produced for him four hours earlier HAS NOW TURNED INTO REALLY HARD CHEESE.
Husbands, take note here. No matter how you offer to help in this situation, you will not be appreciated, or even tolerated. Please, for your sake, just go get the baby, leave quietly and no one will be hurt.
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