One Cell of a phone
I don't know what the big deal is with these cell phone things. Every newspaper, magazine, radio station, television station that you can name has multiple ads, touting the benefits of their particular company. And there are many: weekend minutes, anytime minutes, local calls, long distance calls, two-way calls, tiny phones, powerful phones, colourful phones, phones that let you surf the internet, phones that let you play video games, phones that let you read the latest headlines, and the list goes on and on.
Do you know who is really getting sucked into this trend? The youth. Our youths. Look around at them. Everyone's got a cell phone attached to his drooping drawers or her spandex-tight skirt. This wouldn't be a bad thing if they used these phones for something good like calling their parents to tell them where they are and when they plan on coming home and do you want me to pick up some milk on my way by. Unfortunately, our youth use these phones to speak to other youths. These other youths may be miles away at a mall or in a different country or sitting to their immediate right. It matters not. What does matter is the fact that whoever is ON the phone has to get all of her friends to surround her and tell her what to say. Exactly the same thing is happening on the OTHER end of the phone, sometimes only four feet away. It is our youths' way of keeping in contact with every one of their acquaintances, be they in the middle of a theatre or waiting in line at the deli. (I am not really sure if our youth would ever visit a deli, but if they did, you can bet their phone would ring.)
The other sector of society that has truly embraced cell phone technology may have more money than our youth but is no less gullible. That's right, the business sector of our country now believes that it cannot EXIST without a small, electronic box strapped to its collective rear end which rings (the electronic box) without ceasing until the battery is dead (or until it is sat upon)(the box)(or the rear end). The prevailing philosophy is that cell phones help your business by letting your customers stay in touch with you at all times, including the times that you are talking with OTHER customers, or driving down a major highway, or eating supper with your wife. The irony is that while everyone gives out their cell phone number, they silently curse you for using it.
This whole situation wouldn't be so bad if the cell phone companies didn't KNOW that they basically had a licence to print money. Let's face it, for static-filled, annoying little pieces of tumour-causing technology, they sure are pricey and give very little in return. Just the other day, my wife went into a well-known outlet that we will refer to as Schmelus Mobility. She didn't want anything special. In fact, she was just there to pay my bill. We would have MAILED the statement but there was NO RETURN ADDRESS ON THE INVOICE.
"That's right! Your invoice is due NOW. Good luck trying to find us."
Being a smart person, she figured that the next best thing would be to go directly to the store where you can buy the phones.
Schmelus Manager:"Can I help you?"
My Wife:"Yes, I'd like to pay my phone bill."
Schmelus Manager:"And...?"
My Wife:"I'd like to do it here."
Schmelus Manager:"Hah! Nice try. We don't accept bill payments here."
My Wife:"Can you give me the address of your head office so that I can mail them a cheque?"
Schmelus Manager:"I would IF I knew the address. We don't have that in this office."
My Wife:"You don't have the address of your head office in your office."
Schmelus Manager:"Correct."
My Wife:"Anywhere."
Schmelus Manager:"Correct."
Here followed an uncomfortable silence wherein the two just stared at one another: my wife, waiting for the Manager to come up with a solution, the Schmelus Manager, waiting for Gilligan's Island to start.
My Wife: (sigh)"Is there maybe an 800 number we could call?"
Schmelus Manager:"There is, but quite frankly at this time of day they won't be answering the phone because it's so close to break time."
My Wife:"How about a website?"
Schmelus Manager:"We can never pull it up for some reason."
By the end of that day, I discovered a THIRD group of regular cell phone users: bitter customers who are phoning their mates to complain about the "service."
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