The Things I've Learned From Parenting

by Mark Thrice 26. August 2010 07:01

My buddy Duncan (this one is not my son) and his wife just had their first baby. I asked him how it was going and he replied, “Good. But man, we don’t know anything. She’s just a baby and she has totally changed the way we do everything. Does it get better?”

To which I replied, “No, it doesn’t get better. But it gets different and, trust me, it’s worth it. Our family motto is: “Live the Adventure!””

Having said that, I started thinking about the various and sundry things we have learned in our twelve short years of parenting. A brief selection follows:


The Universal Truths of Parenting


  1. Your kids will never play as well at a friend’s house as when you tell them you are leaving in ten minutes. Tell them this as soon as you arrive, no matter how long you plan on staying. You will not hear from them all night, lest they remind you of your plans to leave.
  2. You may hold very relaxed views about dating before you get married. Prepare to become a radical conservative once your baby girl is born.
  3. When your kid thrusts his finger towards your face and tells you to “smell,” you’ll want to wash his hands immediately.
  4. The chances of your child spilling her drink are directly proportional to the value of the blouse she is wearing.
  5. Your kids will play nicely all day long. As soon as you arrive at the photographer’s studio for family pictures, they will realize that they hate each other.
  6. Your kids will never wash their hands or their face using hot water. Yet when you return from a weeklong camping trip, it is the hot water tap that’s been left dripping in a steady stream.
  7. You will boil your baby’s soothers until the day you see her eating handfuls of dirt. Suddenly you will feel so free…
  8. You haven’t seen it all. No, you haven’t.
  9. Your kids will do what you do and not what you say. Only pick your nose behind closed doors.
  10. Your kids will learn to love by the way you treat them. Everybody gets a hug, a kiss and a pinch on the bum to start the day off right.
  11. The best way to teach a boy to pee is to paint a target on a tree outside. Until he can score a direct hit one thousand times in a row, he must always sit down when using the toilet. This will keep your bathroom clean until he is 34.
  12. Staying up late and eating junk food are things that your kids will crave until they get sick of both. This will happen as soon as they have kids of their own.
  13. “Get your foot out of the butter!” is not the strangest thing you will ever say to your kids.


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